Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
