Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
