K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
