I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
