Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
