I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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