mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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