I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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