Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
