a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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