if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
