Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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