so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
