she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
