god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
