sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
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