I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
