yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
