I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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