Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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