I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
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i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
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And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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