I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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