here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
