this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
