your parents love me but you hate me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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