it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
