why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
