thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My bed smells like the plague
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
