I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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