I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
