my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
