Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
