I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
