Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.