I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes