There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night