There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
