There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
