We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
