everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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