do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
