Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
