I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
