Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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