Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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