The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
