So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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