The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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