im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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