remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
