He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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