woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
