you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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