I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I will pee on everything he values.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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