So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
