I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
