You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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