my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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