I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
