Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
