Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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