a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
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And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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