I got chris browned last night
another moral hangover. fuck.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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