First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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