Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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