Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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