FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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