When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
