Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
