I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
that is very illegal...i love you.
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